The Eagles didn’t take long in finding another signal caller to fill out their depleted roster after Kevin Kolb suffered an MCL sprain. Coaching intern and former Arena League quarterback Matt Nagy was pegged by Reid and Heckert to serve as exhibition game tackling dummy until Big Kev’s boo boo heals.
So, who exactly is Matt Nagy? Have no fear Iggles fans, I’ve got the lowdown. I dusted off my investigative reporter hat and dug into the past of this mystery man named Nagy. You may be shocked at my findings, but I stand by the evidence uncovered. It is my contention that this native New Jerseyan and Delaware Fightin’ Blue Hens alum is not who he claims to be. First, a little backstory.
From 2002-2008, Nagy played for the following Arena League squads: New York Dragons, Carolina Cobras, Georgia Force, and Columbus Destroyers. Do you see a pattern? Well, I sure as hell do. Dragons and Cobras are frightening creatures known to kill. Force and Destroyers are very aggressive nouns; they represent power and destruction. These action oriented “team” names bear a close resemblance to movie titles.
Eyebrows raise — hand rubs chin — wheels inside head turn.
After careful deliberation with myself, I have concluded, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Matt Nagy is in fact… martial arts expert and Hollywood action star, Jason Statham.
Perhaps you’re a bit skeptical. It’s understandable, I guess. However, I’m confident you’ll come over to my side once you read the super-secret transcript of an interview I conducted with Nagy Statham last night. If you’re unfamiliar with Statham’s body of work, I took the liberty of using bold text to highlight blatant references to his movies. Here are his responses to my queries about how he learned of his promotion and how he feels about his new role with the Eagles. Get ready to be baffled:
“Well, it happened real fast. I was talking with a friend on my cellular about purchasing a new revolver, when Tom Heckert tapped me on the shoulder. He took me into his office and sat me down. I asked if he had any luck finding another QB and he pointed at me and said, “You are the one.” I couldn’t believe it. I mean, it’s like a dream come true to play in the NFL. I snatched at the opportunity provided me by the Eagles organization. I can’t wait to get started. I realize the next couple days are going to be complete chaos, but I think I’m ready for the challenge. That first game under center will probably feel like some sorta crazy death race. I’ll be nervous, but as long as I don’t crank up my adrenaline too much, I should be okay.”
I rest my case ladies and gentlemen. Quarterback or action star? You be the judge.
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