My ITI spies have struck gold again. They got their hands on another clandestine meeting between Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb yesterday.
It’s been a long couple weeks for the Eagles, but thankfully it looks as if the fearless leaders of gang green are ready to right the sinking ship. Whew! That’s good news because I was close to tossing in the towel on the 2009 campaign. Now I don’t have to.
Here’s the transcript from this super-secret-behind-closed-doors-under-lock-and-key-dark-corner meeting.
Don and Andy greet each other with a high five.
Reid: Great job on Sunday, 5. Those late touchdowns gave the impression we wanted to win. That’s exactly what I was looking for.
McNabb: Yeah, those 450 yards were pretty sweet! Glad I started me on my fantasy team. I’m 8-2 and heading for the playoffs.
Reid: Hah, me too, thanks to Akers.
McNabb: You crafty bastard, that’s why we kept kicking field goals. It all makes sense now.
Reid: Hey, I needed the points.
McNabb: You could have told me, I would’ve thrown a couple in the dirt to help you out.
Reid: Did I really need to let you in on it? We never score touchdowns in the red zone.
The two share a big laugh.
McNabb: That’s so true.
Reid: Alright, let’s get serious.
McNabb: I’m with ya, Big Red.
Reid: We have engineered another successful midseason swoon. The media is writing us off. Fans have given up. It’s a beautiful disaster.
McNabb: I trolled some message boards last night. They want Kolb.
Reid: Perfect! Now is the time when we win three straight. First up, da Bears. Should be easy.
McNabb: But not too easy, right?
Reid: Exactly. Last thing we need is those asshats at ESPN jumping back on our bandwagon. We’ll still commit stupid penalties and stall in the red zone, but a couple bombs to DeSean should be enough to notch a W.
McNabb: Then there’s the Cutler factor.
Reid: Yeah, he sucks big time. Problem is, I’m running low on cornerbacks.
McNabb: Why not have Vick play corner?
Reid: Nah, I’m saving him for the Falcons game.
McNabb: That will be crazy.
Reid: No doubt. When Mikey scores his first touchdown in the ATL, we’ll be the talk of the league.
McNabb: Just in time to flop against the Giants.
Reid: Of course. That goes without saying.
McNabb: So, are we looking at winning the division, or wild card again?
Reid: Hmm… I haven’t decided yet. Injuries are buzzkilling my ability to manipulate the season. May have to call in a couple favors.
McNabb: Michael Lewis told me Singletary loves the cheesesteaks.
Reid: Is that right? Well, a couple boxes from Pat’s should do the trick.
McNabb: This has been fun, but I gotta go polish the “must-win game” speech for my presser.
Reid: You and the media. Just tell ‘em you need to do a better job and be done with it.
McNabb: Hey, you can coach until you’re sixty. I have a second career to think about.
Phone rings. Reid picks it up.
Reid: Yello, uh huh… you wanna do what? Um, yeah… sounds… interesting. I’ll be right over… okay… see ya then.
Reid slams the phone down.
McNabb: What now?
Reid: McDermott wants to start Trent at middle linebacker.
McNabb: Oooh, good luck with that.
Reid: Yeah, thanks.
McNabb: Later, Big Red.
Reid buries his face in his hands and sighs.