A Comedy of Errors: Dissecting Just How Bad the Eagles Suck

There is nary a single redeeming quality about this football team. Given this, I thought it’d be fun to really dig deep and figure out why they are just so, so awful. So let’s look at all the ways in which the Philadelphia Eagles are a terrible, god-awful, taint-licking football team.

The Eagles do not run the football in an effective, conventional manner.

How about a run out of the I-formation? For those of you that forget, it’s when the quarterback turns around, hands the ball off, and the running back follows a lead blocker to gain yards.

Where the hell is that on this team? Every run is an inside handoff, or a sweep, or a delay. It’s disjointed, it allows for no rhythm whatsoever, and doesn’t create a consistent enough threat to balance the Eagles’ supposedly potent offensive attack.

The Eagles are too cute throwing the football.

Remember when the Eagles ran play action? The quarterback would make a read, plant his feet, and throw the football. Then, there might be a quick three-step drop.

Remember when the tight end, you know, the guy that lines up on the end of the line and is utilized as an eligible receiver, would actually catch passes in this offense?

Well, those days are obviously gone.

Additionally, the Eagles run too many misdirection plays. Michael Vick is constantly looking one way and then trying to come back to the other side. That’s fine–if the offensive line can pass protect. This offensive line can’t. And since they can’t, he is either rushed into making a poor decision with the football, or drilled prior to releasing it. For as explosive of an offense as this

can

used to be, it’s seems like there’s almost too many options on the menu to sustain any continuity on offense.

The Eagles are an incredibly stupid team.

Late in the first half, Jamar Chaney finally made a play for the Eagles’ defense, setting the Eagles’ offense up with an opportunity to score just prior to halftime. Michael Vick completed a 10-yard pass and followed it with a 12-yard scramble to the Buffalo 26-yard line. Then, after an incomplete pass to Desean Jackson, the Eagles had seven seconds left to get some points on the board. Rather than simply lining up for a field goal that would have given the team at least a flicker of momentum heading into the half, the Eagles elected to take another shot at the end zone.

Now, that was stupid for two reasons:

1. Andy Reid is an asshole for electing to run another play.

2. Michael Vick is an asshole for indecisively standing in the pocket, allowing time to expire as his pass fell incomplete in the back of the end zone. No points. 21-7 at the half. A complete and utter debacle.

This defense may be the worst in franchise history.

I’m tired of hearing about Nnamdi Asomugha being incorrectly utilized. Sure he is, that’s a given because he’s being coached by a GOD DAMN OFFENSIVE LINE COACH. But here’s one–how about Asomugha makes a play, too. Is he that much of a one-trick pony that he can only function in press coverage?

Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie is a complete non-factor, and Asante Samuel appears to be a player completely disinterested in playing for the Eagles. Perhaps that shouldn’t come as a complete shock, particularly given his bitching and moaning this summer after Asomugha was brought in.

The defensive line scheme has a single focus–get to the quarterback. That’s fine, but a run stop or two would be fine every now and then, as well.

The linebackers and safeties suck–we already know that. So I’m not going to waste time here. Let Brian Baldinger or some other talking head show you some coaches tape where they highlight one of the shitty safeties/linebackers miss an assignment.

The Eagles’ special teams suck.

Alex Henery sucks. Fortunately for him, the Eagles were so bad on both sides of the ball against San Francisco, Henery escaped much of the blame he rightfully deserved for missing two short field goals, either of which would have secured a win.

Dion Lewis is a return ace. He excels at getting the ball anywhere between the 15-yard line and the 22-yard line. That’s stellar.

The Eagles coaching staff sucks.

Do I really need to explain this?