Roasting the 2015 Philadelphia Eagles Offseason

Nov 23, 2014; Philadelphia, PA, USA; Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly during a game against the Tennessee Titans at Lincoln Financial Field. The Eagles won 43-24. Mandatory Credit: Derik Hamilton-USA TODAY Sports

It’s only natural for Philadelphia Eagles fans to feel some sort of reservation regarding this offseason’s transactions so far. I’m not here to convince you otherwise, as this offseason has been jammed with significantly more front office finger-crossing than the FDA-approved limit.

Is Chip Kelly being the guy we all hate in our online Madden leagues, the one who guts a team beyond all recognition and eventually quits, leaving a roster in shambles so badly that nobody wants to use them after?

Or is he an absolute freaking genius who has his portrait under the definition of the word “football” in the 2015 Merriam-Webster Dictionary? I can’t say for sure, because there hasn’t been a reason to purchase a physical dictionary in over a decade. Get with the times.

Events aren’t listed in chronological order, as I haven’t been able to sleep in a week since this team won’t let me relax. With that, let’s look at the moves made so far.

DISCLAIMER: This article is written in 100% satire. If this sort of humor isn’t something that goes down smooth with your morning coffee, now’s a good time to close out of this article and continue searching adorable cat images. 

Next: The Tearful Goodbyes