What Each NFL Quarterback’s Female Counterpart Would Be Like
By Tom Aresco
The Philadelphia Eagles and quarterback Sam Bradford agreed on a new 2-year contract moments after the franchise tag deadline expired.
News flash: Everybody is sick of the Bradford debate. I decided to clear the air and create a list to rank the starting quarterbacks in the NFL. However, I don’t believe in ranking quarterbacks conventionally. QBs are like females; they’re all unique, and you need to find the one that works best for you. Without further ado, here are my Quarterback-Girlfriend Power Rankings:
Smart, sexy, funny. She has it all. Bring her home and be proud – you may have found the one.
2) Tom Brady
Straight A+ student, head of the cheerleading squad and class president. How does she find the time? She might be cheating on you too, but you’ll never catch her. Good luck!
3) Cam Newton
You need a girl that you can ball out with all weekend? She’s got that swag and you can’t wait to show her off in public.
She’s a bit reckless, sure. You want to put the cuffs on her, but she won’t listen. You don’t have another choice, though. You know what she’s made of, and you’ll accept her flaws in exchange for her strengths.
5) Andrew Luck
She’s painfully awkward, but she’s got the sweetest personality in the universe. She’s not typically attractive, but her unconventional ways turn you on for reasons you cannot explain. She also has a neck beard.
6) Drew Brees
She’s loyal. She knows when she was down and out, you were there for her. She won’t forget that! In turn, she made you a better man.
She’s faithful and has a huge heart. She’s got ambition, and she’s always striving for even more than you think she’s capable of. Despite what the public sees, things haven’t always been easy. Through thick and thin – that’s your chick.
8) Andy Dalton
The redhead that you foolishly ignored until she let her hair down and ditched the glasses senior year. Now who’s scrambling for a prom date?
Your expectations may have been much higher at first, but you’ve been on-and-off with her since the beginning. Things are cool now, but who knows what the future holds? The end could reveal itself sooner than later.
10) Philip Rivers
You can never tell if she’s happy or unhappy. When things are good, she’s amazing. When things are rocky, the subliminal messages that she wants to jump ship come to surface. She’s been loyal, but she resents you for it.
11) Tony Romo
You keep on waiting for her to become what you know she can, but maybe she can’t. It’s heartbreaking after all this time, but it’s reality.
12) Eli Manning
She changes her mind every other week, but she won you a Ferrari in a shopping mall sweepstakes and sweet-talked your boss into a promotion that you deserved anyway. You’re just like, “Oh well, this is life I guess.”
13) Joe Flacco
The cute study buddy that you always dreamed of. How many tutoring sessions before she’s yours?
14) Alex Smith
You want to talk about “boring”? Here’s your girl. However, she won’t make many mistakes, if any at all. If you provide for her, she’ll deliver.
15) Blake Bortles
She wasn’t all that until recently, and now she’s ALL that. Why is she still with that lame, though? He better get himself together, or she’ll hit the market looking to cash in.
16) Derek Carr
Another hottie who recently found “her look”. She’s sticking it out with her day one, but he better step up or she’ll be gone with the wind.
17) Ryan Fitzpatrick
She’s been around the block. Twice. She seems to have found herself, though. After a period of self-discovery, she just needed real commitment and patience.
18) Matt Ryan
She’s alright.
19) Kirk Cousins
This one is a firecracker. She’s confident and sassy, and you really don’t know what you’re in for.
20) Jameis Winston
She doesn’t have the tightest body, but her performance makes up for that. She’s just naturally gifted when it comes to leading a relationship. Do your part, she’ll do hers.
21) Marcus Mariota
She sure is cute, but she’s dangerous. She’ll either be your future wife, or a future nightmare.
22) Sam Bradford
She had such potential, and it might still be there. She’s got a heart of gold, but she’s been with way too many jerks. Many look at her as damaged goods. Rescue her, please!
23) Jay Cutler
This bipolar maniac is always intoxicated at the worst times. She just needs a level-headed man to keep her sane, but who in the world wants to take her home to mom?
24) Matthew Stafford
It seems like the jig is up for her; all of the make-up and scandalous clothing cannot help her anymore.
25) Ryan Tannehill
She looks the part, but for some reason it just won’t work no matter how hard you try. How long are you willing to give this?
Everybody else thinks she’s amazing, but you know that her reputation outweighs her true value. She has plenty of time to make things right, so don’t be too hard on her!
27) Peyton Manning and Brock Osweiler
The formerly popular older sister is starting to fade, and the younger sister is coming into her own. Will big sis try to sabotage her own kin’s chance at happiness?
28) Colin Kaepernick
Isn’t she the sexiest thing? Sure, if talking to her wasn’t like shoving bamboo chutes underneath your fingernails.
29) Tyrod Taylor
Yikes. Even when you get her best it isn’t that great, and it doesn’t last that long. Pass.
30) Brian Hoyer
She won’t be around for much longer. She’s had her chance, and you’ve seen enough.
31) Johnny Manziel
You might deal with her baggage if she was the one, but this wannabe celebrity is just another fad.
32) Nick Foles
Wallflower at the prom. If you missed out on the hot redhead, strike up a conversation with her. You’ll get what you need for the night, but nothing more.