Eagles fans enjoy a more pleasing national holiday in aftermath of Cowboys debacle

"I sucked tonight." - Dak Prescott. That says it all.
Dak Prescott, Dallas Cowboys
Dak Prescott, Dallas Cowboys / Richard Rodriguez/GettyImages

Every year, the Earth floats listlessly in the dark void of space around the Sun. Every year, people fall in love, and they mourn loss. Every year, flocks of birds migrate south for the winter only to return when the temperature rises in the north again. And yes, every year, the Philadelphia Eagles’ biggest and most loathed rival disappoints their fanbase in creatively humiliating and hilarious ways.

On January 14th, 2024, the Dallas Cowboys unceremoniously ended their season by losing a Wild Card Round game at home to the Green Bay Packers. The final score was 48-32, but that isn't indicative of how lopsided the game was.

Yes friends, it's time to dance on their graves.

Rejoice Eagles fans! The Cowboys embarrassed themselves in January… again.

Somehow, the Cowboys never disappoint us. Things always end with a bang. Midway through January, their season ends as it normally does. Their final game often, at times, will wrap with them doing something we'd expect in a Three Stooges skit. This year was different. This year, Dak Prescott and company kept it simple.

Sorry guys, this wouldn't be as fun as watching Ezekiel Elliott take the final snap as the center. This game wouldn't see Tony Romo bumble and botch a snap for a go-ahead field goal. We were robbed of something reminiscent of the time expiring with Dak Prescott attempting to run a final play.

Nope! We'd have to settle for team-wide buffoonery. 

The Cowboys allowed Packers running back, Aaron Jones to waltz down the field with a laughable lack of resistance. As it turns out, the Cowboys' defense took the evening off. It wasn't just that though. Dallas failed on the offensive side of the ball. The nation celebrated Martin Luther King's birthday on January 15th. The day was doubly satisfying as Jerry Jones continues to be miserable.

Eagles fans holiday began early in Sunday evening and extended through Monday.

Dak’s first quarter was a sight to behold. In a truly philanthropic fashion that only a Walter Peyton Man of the Year can deliver, Prescott misfired early and often.

He also donated points to the Packers by throwing a terrifically awful interception to an injured Jaire Alexander. Dak's first 15 minutes of the game ended with a whopping ZERO passing yards. 

It only got worse from there (read: better for us). The Packers walked into the half with a 27-7 lead, thanks in part to another pick-six.

The Dallas Cowboys have become the first team to lose to a seventh-seed in the postseason, which is tremendously funny, given how atrocious seventh-seeds have performed in the past three years. 

Everything was laughable. The team. The fans. Jerry Jones. Mike McCarthy. Jimmy Johnson’s halftime speech. EVERYTHING related to the Cowboys was, has been, and is, a punchline, through and through.

We could’ve been born in any part of the world, in any era. We were lucky enough to be alive to witness a new level of Cowboys apathy. Dallas continues to wreak of hot sewage in the postseason. What a time to be alive.

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