Roasting the 2015 Philadelphia Eagles Offseason

3 of 5

Dec 1, 2013; Toronto, ON, Canada; Buffalo Bills middle linebacker Kiko Alonso (50) on the bench during a game against the Atlanta Falcons at the Rogers Center. Falcons beat the Bills 34 to 31 in overtime. Mandatory Credit: Timothy T. Ludwig-USA TODAY Sports

The Warm Welcomes, Part One

ILB Brad Jones (Green Bay Packers)

Packers fans seem to be devastated that he’s gone. I suppose somebody needs to replace Casey Matthews in the “deer in the headlights” department. Not much more to add here. If he plays anything beyond blowout win (or loss) snaps to give starters a rest, the season’s already over.

LB Kiko Alonso (Buffalo Bills) via RB LeSean McCoy

Did I drift asleep and wake up in WTF World? Is there some other LeSean McCoy on the roster that I missed, or did the Eagles actually just trade away the most exciting player on the offense? Didn’t we just do this “get rid of star player that fans love” trick last season when the Little Engine That Could*, WR DeSean Jackson, was outright released only to pull a WWE-style heel turn and join the Washington [REDACTED]?

Coach Kelly better be able to pull talent out of his Chip, because I’m not interested in watching Riley Cooper pretend to be a wide receiver much longer.

The bright side is that Kiko Alonso, a standout LB on the Buffalo Bills who has drawn comparisons to 2013 Defensive Player of the Year Luke Kuechly, should be solid for years as long as he can heal from a torn ACL. He will, because sports science will demand no other outcome.

Pour one out for LeSean McCoy’s marketing team, who now have the thankless job of selling the Buffalo Bills as an interesting team to watch.

(*when not communicating indecipherable code on social media platforms)

QB Sam Bradford + 2015 5th round pick + 2016 conditional 3rd/4th round pick (St. Louis Rams) via QB Nick Foles, 2015 4th round pick, 2016 2nd round pick

Retiring two jerseys in one offseason (more for others) is a tough finanical pill to swallow, but I’m the idiot who doesn’t learn to stop buying overpriced tee shirts, so joke’s on me in the end.

So…this happened. Not “it happened” (this wasn’t the quarterback move anyone wanted). For those who couldn’t wait to rid themselves of Nick Foles, congratulations — time to take the victory lap you’ve been waiting three years for. Do you. Good luck convincing me that the ghost of Sam Bradford’s career (and his all-too-real cap hit until a restructure/extension occurs) was a worthy investment, however.

This Eagles team managed to trade a player with a fairly decent resumé (considering the fallback plan is Mark Sanchez, after all) for a quarterback whose knees may actually be bone-on-bone at the tender age of 27…but in the rare event he clears the injury report, might bear resemblance to the star Oklahoma quarterback from 2009 and 2010 NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year. At least he’s making some serious bank.

It’s important to note that I’m doing this city a massive favor, since anything I say usually results in the opposite happening.

Keep making those Drew Brees resurgence references and buying those new #Brad7ord jerseys, because my fundamental disagreement of this trade’s value or usefulness (unless somehow it ends up with the Eagles finagling some sickeningly inept front office into to coughing up a high pick to allow Philly to select Marcus Mariota) just gave the Philadelphia Eagles their next franchise quarterback. Thank me later.

Next: The Warm Welcomes, Part Two