Roasting the 2015 Philadelphia Eagles Offseason

4 of 5

Jan 18, 2015; Seattle, WA, USA; Seattle Seahawks cornerback Byron Maxwell (41) celebrates his second quarter interception against the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship Game at CenturyLink Field. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

The Warm Welcomes, Part Two

CB Byron Maxwell (Seattle Seahawks)

Finally, a cornerback we can get amped about. He may be the fourth best out of the four starters in the 2014 Seattle Seahawks secondary, and he may have gotten a hefty six-year, $63 million dollar contract, but it’s only about two million more than the Eagles would have paid Cary Williams to pretend to care about the team in 2015. So what if the second DB spot in Seattle can be effectively rotated to no ill effects as long as your name isn’t Tharold Simon?

For those who care about jersey numbers, Maxwell decided he was above his former 41 that Philadelphia patiently kept open for him. He’ll now don the black hole void left by Curtis Marsh, wearing 31 with the Eagles. Nnamdi Asomugha, Mr. Lonely Lunch himself, also switched from 21 to 24 after committing grand larceny against Jeff Lurie in 2011. Let us all hold hands and pray that it’s different this time, as my therapist refuses to take any more weekend calls.

CB Walter Thurmond III (New York Giants, but mostly Oregon)

The best thing about this signing is that the Eagles continue to increase the amount of players with suffixed last names. Thurmond III proudly joins Nolan Carroll II, Marcus Smith II, Jerome Couplin III, and Byron MaxweII (maybe not that one), and will likely have the best chance at playing out of all of them. He suffered a pectoral tear in 2014 with the New York Giants, but it’s clear now that it was a ploy to help out Kelly by saving some cash in the future while (BONUS!) hurting the Giants last year as well.

I love the guy already. That’s some serious commitment.

Thurmond III is currently projected to compete for playing time with Nolan Carroll II and good friend Brandon Boykin (sure, Chip, sure) for the second outside CB spot. All this proves is that the only thing Chip Kelly enjoys more than building culture is keeping his best cornerback (Boykin) off the field at any cost. E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!

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RB Ryan Mathews (San Diego Chargers)

Finally, some movement to replace Shady. I wasn’t emotionally prepared for the Kenjon Barner show yet. I guess it works, but with the caveat of hoping he doesn’t combust before Week 9. If (IF) healthy, this is a solid pickup. Some advice: I’d think about adding the missing “t” to your last name before Philadelphia does it for you. This is the same fan base that still often adds an “s” to Asante Samuel(s), so there’s no reason to believe you’ll have better luck.

RB DeMarco Murray (Dallas Cowboys)

Um, hey man! Always been a huge fan, I swear! Make sure to use some of that sweet signing bonus to invest in ice packs, because we might need you more than you plan to be used if Ryan Mathews and Chris Polk show up in rare form. Not that excessive use is new to you…

Seriously, I just can’t believe you’re an Eagle. I’m not even mad or happy, you’re just here. Let’s do this.

LB Brandon Graham (re-signed)

Welcome back. If I had to peg any player on the roster who would have jumped ship at the first opportunity to get the hell out, it would have been you. Philadelphia at large has never really appreciated your skills as much as we all should, and despite the fact that the Eagles do legitimately need a safety just as they did when your name was called on Draft night 2010, I’m glad that you’ve been able to handle it in stride without taking drastic measures like blocking every single fan on Twitter who even casually brings up the best night of your life.

Next: The Remaining Needs

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